if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
