He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
