there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
