i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
