i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Randomize
