she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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