If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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