wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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