I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
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