So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
it hurts more in the daytime
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
This baby is an asshole
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
