Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize