4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Randomize
