is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
