As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
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