We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
