i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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