Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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