WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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