i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
