Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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