Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
