She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
