Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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