Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
