Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
