i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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