she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
there is another microwave in the elevator.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
