I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
