Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Randomize
