even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
