I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
this is an emotional support booty call
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
