I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I love you.
Bad choice
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
