pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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