I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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