if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
bring money and cleavage
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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