My sheets look like a crime scene.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Randomize
