when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
