see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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