so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
