Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
