Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
