So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
