and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
