wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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