you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
