He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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