Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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