a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
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