This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
