You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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