just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
