i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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