Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
