we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
