When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
