God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
This baby is an asshole
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
